why do we talk so much?

pix: those silences


amongst those routino readings, madi's loveletter to patpat hits me. cant help the tears for her sacrifice and those burning affection for young life and love.

"So when we had a big fight last time, and when you told me again that you felt boring here and you didn't know if you loved me or not, I felt so empty to stay here, even I gave myself many reasons to move to Xiamen, but I know the most important reason was you. (hey, honey, I don't want to remind you those sad things with these, just a step to go on my words.) so I decided to be strong and to be independent, I should learn how to live alone and try to get what I want again, like all I did at the year of graduation.

I don't know if you think we can do better in China, I don't know if you want to go somewhere else, I don't know if you want to go to London with me, I don't know if YOU DO WANT TO LIVE WITH ME FOR MORE DAYS. I don't know WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME IN YOUR MIND, I don't know if YOU DO LOVE ME. I just want to tell you, I do care about MLDD, I do want to go on our photo dairy for whole my life, and when you hold me in the morning, I just want to lay with you and think of nothing, I don't really know what you can give me and if you would have another big fight with me like that in the near future (haha), I do want to make the decision to live with you and love you forever, if you can give me the confidence.

If you can give me the confidence, we can decide everything together, I am not only think of myself, but think of us."
-- from madi to patpat

feel as if walking in the labyrinth these days. among linguistic tricks. i keep questioning. in order to seek a feeling. hysteria. i do not mean to ask. i am trying to seek a feeling. but i dont know how to. i cannot touch i cannot smell i cannot sense i can only feel through noises. the cheapest convenient and instant tool of communication.
but why do we talk so much? can i just skip talking and thinking but let my senses and body feel? if words mean a lot, can we stop nagging at each other? how can i break the geographical distance without having too much disturbing silence among us?

book for tonight: the meme machine - susan blackmore

i want to stop thinking and just let myself fill with love.